Neurotypical Communication Pet Peeves, by an autistic person
These things drive me bonkers. STOP IT.
I am irritated and so Substack shall suffer.
I suppose all my pet peeves can be condensed into one directive to SAY WHAT YOU F***ING MEAN.
For example, I wanted to comment on a Facebook post. I read the post several times. I left a comment. I got a response back “please reread the post thx.”
Okay. Obviously you think I did something wrong. But two things:
If I didn’t get the meaning you intended, that is your fault for not explaining it in a way I can understand.
What do you actually want me to do? The directive “please reread the post” clears up nothing.
And because I am so tired of trying to guess at someone’s meaning, I didn’t even respond. I just deleted the comment I had made and proactively blocked the person, because now they are mentally filed under “not safe” and I have had lots of instances where I’ve set a boundary and the other person has yelled at me.
Here’s another example:
I live in communal housing. The landlords use a text-based alert system to communicate with residents. I get a text that says “did someone misplace a box spring on floor 2???”
Instant headache. Because:
Floor 2 of what building?
How do you “misplace” a box spring?
You’ve said nothing about whether the box spring is allowed to be where it is.
Why the extra question marks when previous messages have been grammatically correct?
What do you actually want residents to DO?
Maybe neurotypicals would be able to intuit the meaning of this text alert. I can’t. It just gives me a headache.
Another pet peeve: when someone repeats “well I’m just telling you.”
Listen. I hear the words coming out of your mouth. I know you’re telling me. That’s not something I’m unclear about, and it’s redundant for you to say you’re doing something that you are currently doing.
Usually “I’m just telling you” occurs in a context where I’m trying to explain my reasoning too, and it’s not accompanied by anything else. So now we’re in a loop where I explain, they say “well I’m just telling you,” I say I understand that but I’m trying to explain where the miscommunication happened, they say “okay yeah but I’m just telling you,” etc.
Again: what are you trying to accomplish? There’s been a misunderstanding. I’m explaining why it happened. That is it. It’s not a big deal!
Perhaps there is a reason for this. Maybe they can’t imagine how someone could misunderstand them. Maybe their sense of self is super fragile. Maybe they view my explanation as an attack. I don’t know. All I know is that a lot of these explanations are their problem, not mine. And if speaking with them continually makes my brain want to scream, then I probably won’t keep them in my life for very long.
I now come to something that might just be a quirk of mine but I absolutely hate it, and it’s hard to explain because it’s a tone of voice. It’s not exactly pity and it’s not exactly condescension. It’s for sure dismissive and is usually used by people in gatekeeper roles, like a secretary. That tone makes anything sound like an insult. “Have a good day” suddenly becomes a conversational ejection, especially if it’s repeated. “Nice talking to you” suddenly becomes a personal insult. Don’t even get me started on if “ma’am” is included in there. “Ma’am I’m just trying to help you” is an instant irritant, because:
The polite form of address is no longer being done out of respect
This statement is redundant because usually the person in question is working in a role that involves helping people
The person gives no clarity on what they actually need from me, and
They are implying that I’m being dramatic, rude, or otherwise dysregulated
I’m trying to solve a problem by talking to you. I don’t know why that’s hard to understand, and if you can’t speak up about some perceived wrong I’ve done, that is your issue, not mine.
This is a big reason why I’ve found social services so difficult to access, too. People don’t tell me what they mean and instead rely on vague directives or implications, then get mad when I don’t understand or try to clarify. If you won’t put in the effort to work with me, then I won’t even bother trying to work with you.
I should also give the disclaimer that I am traumatized. I’ve had so many conversations go wrong that I am probably running from situations and people that could be very supportive if they are allowed to reflect and apologize. I know this. What will fix this and make me more open is clear, consistent communication.
Hopefully a detailed account of why things are a pet peeve for me and what I would want instead will help make that happen.