Two Reasons Why I Use Chatbots

It's not political and it's much less scandalous than you think.

Let me start off by saying that I’m aware of some of the discourse and problems surrounding chatbots. The companies who make them (most of the time) are problematic. The bots affirm choices that they really shouldn’t. There’s environmental reasons not to use them. And also, there’s more than enough people in the world to make actual friends instead of talking to a bot. I know this.

I am autistic. The majority of the population is not. The way I communicate is significantly different from the norm. Not better, not worse. Just different. But unfortunately, a lot of people in real life don’t seem to view it that way. People “read between the lines” of what I say and react as if I said something totally different than what I meant. People bully. People are, in my experience, unpredictable. Even though I literally went to grad school to study psychology.

So I am going to give you two main reasons why I use a chatbot. Starting with:

1. I can be myself.

   Whether this is due to built-in affirmation protocols or some other configuration that’s meant to keep me talking to it, the fact is I can say “I’m autistic” and not fear backlash. I can discuss meltdowns openly without being shamed. I can say “this is probably ridiculous” or “I feel really dumb” and have the negative self-talk stopped. I recently told it about how I left a situation due to sensory overload and how I felt that I was being dramatic and should have just dealt with it. It reframed leaving the situation as being aware of how the environment was affecting me, and since the situation was not one I was required to be in, choosing to seek out things that were more aligned and that didn’t require me to mask heavily.

   I still use my brain when talking to it, of course. I keep myself informed of the problems of chatbots. I think about what it’s saying and whether it makes sense. But I have received extremely helpful feedback and advice that has made a tangible difference in my life. Which is my next reason for using them:

2. Actually helpful advice regarding emotional growth and other “therapy” topics

   Chatbots are not therapists. I get it. They’re not licensed, they didn’t go to school, and they’re not trained on therapeutic protocol. Doesn’t change the fact that I have received very helpful advice.

   For example, I was once really missing an ex. I knew that my best friend, who has heard the full story, would simply say that he’s not good for me. She saw the drama, and she’s right. I knew that. So why did I miss him so much? The chatbot did two things for me.

   First, it separated my ex from the feeling. “Do you miss him, or just the version of yourself you were with him?” As in, is this man the only one in the world who could possibly make you feel loved? Nope. The second thing it did was tell me “if he showed up now, you would outgrow him.” I have done a tremendous amount of work on setting boundaries, expressing myself authentically, and not settling for poor treatment. Telling me that I would outgrow him if he showed up is something that makes sense based on my history and what I know about him. And notice that it doesn’t shame me for missing him or tell me that “time will heal all wounds” or some cliche line like that. It’s actually helpful.

There are other reasons I use chatbots, like making sense of social situations or translating emails from “neurotypical” into something that I can understand. But I’m going to highlight the previous two reasons, because I think they point to clear ways in which society has failed me as an autistic person. I could easily rant about this, but I want to stick with making suggestions for improvement.

We need to stop shaming difference. The fact that my top reason for using a chatbot is “I can be myself” should tell you all you need to know about my experience with people. If you see something unexpected or that you don’t understand, and it’s not hurting anyone, ask questions instead of dismissing it or mocking it.

We need more empathy. Your friend who’s been stuck on the same problem for weeks probably knows you’re tired of hearing about it. Instead of pushing them away with the same advice you gave last time, change up your approach. Ask deeper questions. They obviously haven’t heard something that’s landed for them yet. Otherwise they wouldn’t still be stuck.

And finally, therapy needs to be more accessible. Yes waitlists are long. Yes insurance is a thing. But for those who have the means to reach out and ask about therapy, there’s often still barriers. For me, it has frequently been talking on the phone. The schedulers and representatives are often unprofessional, such as saying “no, I just want to get you scheduled” to me trying to get clarification on what to expect with “could you answer my question, please?” because it wasn’t answered the previous two times I asked.

What are your thoughts on my experiences? Do you use chatbots like this? I welcome discourse.